All,
Due to the personal nature of some of my posts I’ve decided to make certain entries “private”. To read those entries you will need a username and password. Please email me or Clarissa to request a login if you wish to access the private posts. Don’t be afraid to ask!!!
Thanks for your understanding,
Paul
Amelie,
It’s so strange that you’ve been gone for longer than the time we had with you. It’s so strange that I can miss someone soooo much, someone that I only knew for two weeks. But that is how I feel. That’s how cruel love can be. And I was in love with you the second you came in to my life. I sometimes feel like I didn’t deserve you and that is why you left me… I think God rolled up all the bad things I’ve ever done into one big punishment. I try to tell myself that God wouldn’t do that, but right now I have no other explanation.
Before you arrived, friends used to joke with me that my life would soon be over, but when you came into my world I felt as though my life had just begun. I was esctatic. Everything was perfect. When I had to wake up in the middle of the night to feed you, I didn’t mind, because it meant that I got to cuddle you, and kiss you, and talk to you. For that short moment in time, it was just me and you.
And then my life was over. My life was over the day you died.
I’m trying to pick up the pieces, but it’s so hard because my heart is broken. I’ve lost the ability to care about anything. I can’t smile, can’t laugh, can’t watch TV, can’t work, can’t think, can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t talk to people, can’t answer the phone, can’t play with Brady, can’t listen to music, can’t write emails, can’t go shopping, can’t clean the apartment… I can’t do anything but wish you were still here.
But you’re not. And I can never cuddle you or kiss you or talk to you ever again. I would give up my entire world just to be able to kiss you one more time. And to know that will never happen just breaks my heart even more.
I will love you forever,
Daddy
xxx
I miss her so much sometimes. No - I miss her so much all the time.
It’s so very hard to lose a child, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s such an intense emotion that it leaves you exhausted. Even the little chores become insurmountable tasks. I have no energy in my body to do anything.
While friends and family are being good to us, the only true comfort we’ve found is with people who have experienced something similar. It’s difficult to talk about Amelie with many people, because people want us to get back to where we once were, to get “better”… The problem is, that is never going to happen. Clarissa and I will never be the same person you knew before February 13th, 2007. If you want us to be the same person, I have some bad news…
Time. I’ve heard that word more often than any other word in the last month. Usually it’s in a sentence like: “I know you feel terrible right now, but time is a great healer”. Time will make the pain less severe, but I know I will carry this pain until the day I die. Studies performed on the bereavement process for a loved-one state that most people “come to terms” with what has happened in less than six months. For the death of a baby, this “acceptance” can take anywhere from 2 to 7 years.
A friend from school (Erin) wrote me and said “…it must be hard to watch the world move on when your own stopped so abruptly”. That is the closest anyone has come to describing how this feels. Work is painful. I’m expected to do stuff, but I am sooo not in the mood. And while I understand that life has to go on, that is not true for Clarissa and me, just yet…
Why am I saying all this? Because I want to prepare people that we are going to carry the death of Amelie with us for longer than most people find comfortable. People want us to be back to where we were on February 12th. This is probably especially true for people with children. We are a reminder to those parents that tragedy can happen. That is a cross Clarissa and I will bear. But we need to grieve for Amelie, and this will take a long time. Trying to speed us through this process won’t help us.
If we don’t return your calls or emails, it is not because we don’t love you.
It is because we are grieving for our little princess.
Amelie, if I could have only one wish - you know what it would be…
PS - Amelie thanks everyone who has donated to charity on her behalf. I will set up a page with the names of those we have been notified about. Clarissa and I thank you as well.
During my research on Congenitive Heart Defects I’ve discovered some startling statistics. The one that gets me the most is that 4000 babies will die before their first birthday in the US alone due to this condition. And that gets me thinking…
Ten babies have needlessly died today because their condition wasn’t discovered in time. Ten sets of parents will be in complete disbelief. Ten sets of parents will not be able to sleep tonight through the tears, the anger, the guilt. Ten sets of parents are searching their soul to determine what terrible things they have done in their lives to deserve such a punishment from whichever god they used to believe in. Ten sets of parents are left with their hopes and dreams in tatters.
For these parents it is only going to get worse. That feeling of disbelief is shock, the brain protecting itself from the unthinkable, the unimaginal. Our brains just aren’t wired to deal with something so terrible. When the shock wears off, that’s when the pain takes over. The sheer emptiness that they will feel cannot be put in words. They are just left to pick up the pieces. Statistically, most marriages won’t survive.
And then tomorrow will bring ten more tragedies. Tragedies that could be avoided. But that’s another story.
But the real tragedy is that ten young people will not have the chance to do what we all took for granted.
And for me, well, I’ve been robbed of hearing Amelie tell me that she loved me too…
Amelie,
Just writing to let you know that we both miss you very much. We’re in a lot of pain but we understand you had to leave us. I just wish we had more time together. You were so beautiful and so lovely - I couldn’t have dreamed of having a more perfect daughter than you. Even people that didn’t meet you loved you - you were THAT special.
I’m going back to work tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it, but the bills have to be paid 
No matter how busy I am you’ll never be far from my mind. I look at your photo everyday and although I’m sad, I’m glad you choose me to be your dad. I will do everything I can to make you proud of me.
Love,
Daddy